30 Years IN: Ten Lessons From A 30 Year Old Black Man
On July 20th I will turn 30. These are ten life lessons I’ve gathered from my 30 years on this planet as a black man. Even though most of these points don't have much to do with being black, it is important to note that I am a black man because that is a big part of my experience. It is equally as relevant to me being a man. This is silly, this is serious, this is me. I hope you enjoy.
1) Black lives matter
I’m a black man turning 30 and that’s kind of an accomplishment. And that’s fucked up. I’m 30 and I can’t remember the last day in my life where I didn’t consciously think about my own race. A misconception is that Black Lives Matter is anti-everything-not-black. Black Lives Matter is about focus, not exclusion. I went to a predominantly white high school, and then college, where (and I’m not alone in this) I struggled with my own double-consciousness. How do I stay true to myself, my culture, but not scare my white friends away? The Black Lives Matter movement is about a generation of black people who are unapologetic for their blackness. It’s beautiful. We are coming out and saying, “Hey, I’m black and that doesn’t make me less than anyone else. We demand to be treated as equals. If that makes you uncomfortable, do some soul-searching.”
At 30, I’m to a point where if I need to prove to you that racism exists, we can’t be friends. America is coming off of a truly horrific week of violence: #AltonSterling #PhilandoCastile #Dallas. It’s now more than ever that we need to be cognizant of the pain in our different communities. We need hugs. Find me and no matter what color you are or what you believe, I will give you a goddamn hug. For more info on BLM, check this out: Blacklivesmatter.com
2) Women are people
This lesson may seem obvious but it’s not. From a young age, society teaches boys that they are superior to women. I’ve dealt with this in my 30 years on this planet. Everything from “You throw like a girl!” in little league to “Don’t be a pussy!” at college parties. These types of insults reinforce that being a women is inferior to being a man and that men should naturally be able to do more. This leads to male entitlement which lends to chauvinism and rape culture. I feel that boys should be educated about these biases earlier in life. In school, girls are taught to dress a certain way so they don’t distract the boys. This in turn teaches men that they are not responsible for their own feelings. “Of course I’m distracted! Do you see what she is wearing?” The blame lies completely with young women and this sentiment is internalized into adulthood. It’s dangerous.
Like many, I was appalled by the outcome of the Stanford Rapist Case (Brock Turner was sentenced to 6 months after brutally sexually assaulting an unconscious woman). This culture of protecting rapists and victim blaming is so insanely prevalent that even courts, universities and fuckboi judges side with the assailant. Guys need to wake up. If your first question is “was she drunk”, that’s a huge problem. “Was she drinking” is the PC way to flat out say, “she was asking for it”. There are real ways that we can get involved. Get off the sidelines, fellas. Check this out and sign up: http://itsonus.org/
Also, cat-calling is still a thing. How ridiculous is the phrase cat-calling in and of itself? Women aren’t cats. Women are people. Notice I didn’t say “Women are people too.” Is the word “too” really necessary? Don’t be a fuckboi. Women are people.
3) How to get over a break-up
Cry. Listen to some Adele. Go to the gym. If it’s a really tough break-up, delete them from social media. Have empty sex with a couple of people (I’ve made some mistakes). Cry. Open your windows and blast the entire Beyonce “Lemonade” video. Break-ups suck. There’s no way around it. Take it as an opportunity for self-reflection and self-improvement. Don’t blame yourself and don’t compare your exes to other people that you date in the future. It’s not fair to that person and is the opposite of actually moving on. Most importantly, move on! You’re too cool and sexy to spend time on that fuckboi/lady anyway.
4) Talk to people you disagree with
It’s easy to stay in your safe bubble with your own belief system, but what’s the fun in that? We can only learn if we are first aware of our own ignorance. I don't expect everyone to agree with everything that is in this post. But if there's no acknowledgement of a difference in experience and perspective, there can be no conversation. Arguing doesn’t have to include intense name calling and bloodshed. Talking to people outside of your ethnic group, religious beliefs, or political allegiances opens up the opportunity for understanding and compassion. This is great if you ever want to free yourself from living in fear of people who are culturally different from you. Otherwise, you can always build an underground bunker and safely spew your preconceived notions on other people’s social media posts.
5) My music was bad too
I think we can all agree that Fetty Wap is the worst. Says the guy who grew up on the Big Tymers and Nelly. It’s a time-tested tradition that old people will make fun of the younger generation’s music. I bought Sisqo’s solo album with my own money. Everyone is entitled to their bad music. You’re really going to complain about Panda by Desiigner when you know all the words to Baby Got Back by Sir Mix A Lot? “My anaconda don’t want none, unless got buns hun.” I could write a blog post on everything that is wrong with that sentence. It should be noted that I can still “Crank Dat Soulja Boy.”
6) Good spelling and grammar will get you laid
I can’t put it any more plainly for you, gentlemen. We live in an age where you can turn on your phone, download an app and meet a person for drinks within the hour. The emphasis on knowing the difference between to/too/two and your/you're is essential to your digital game. Leave the slang to the amateurs and put together a complete and well-worded sentence. Doing so will show that you are actually interested in the person and not just swiping to kill the time. These things matter. This goes for ladies too. Send me three complete sentences sans emojii and we can "Crank Dat Soulja Boy" until the sun comes up.
7) Tennessee is actually pretty cool
This should be titled “Get Out of Your Comfort Zone” but I wanted to give some specific love to the Volunteer State. The South is perpetually made fun of, and rightfully so, but Tennessee has it going on. I didn’t think a midwest-side brotha like myself would have anything to do with a place like Chattanooga, but that place is the tits. I had amazing BBQ and went to some of the most unique dive bars...At one, the owner had a picture of Justin Bieber on the wall and would randomly throw a hunting knife, only to land it in Bieber’s dome. AND WE LAUGHED AND LAUGHED! I drank a ton and found myself walking through the streets calling strangers my Noogas. Good times.
8) Porn isn’t real
We’re a generation of dudes that have been watching porn since the age of 8. Some of that shit sticks with you after a while. Keep those lessons to yourself though. Most women don’t want to be degraded verbally while you try some acrobatic technique you saw from a video you watched that morning. You learn these things with age. I’ve made some mistakes. Leave the porn talk out of the bedroom unless it’s mutual. It’s uncomfortable and you’re going to get talked about at the weekly girl’s night. “He said whaaa? He tried to do whaa? Gurl stop!”
9) Ask her what she wants
Sexually. And then for breakfast. Women are people. People like different things. I once had a lady tell me to tickle her asshole. Can’t just go around trying that on everyone. That’s how you end up on the news. Have I mentioned that I’ve made mistakes? Part of growing up is getting better at communicating. Have the uncomfortable talks for the betterment of your relationship. The experience is so much better if you know what each other likes.
10) Gratitude
So many people have helped me out in life. Parents, friends, friends of friends, colleagues. A simple thank you suffices, but go above and beyond when you can. If someone gives you a place to crash for a weekend, cook them dinner, make them a thank you card, buy them a drink, something that shows appreciation. I recently had a close friend pass away from cancer. I wish I could tell him that I care about him and that I love him one more time. Tell the people in your life that you love them. Ain’t no shame in that. They’ll be eager to help you again when you’re in need.
So I want to say thank you to everyone who’s had a hand in getting me to 30. My parents, friends, fellow comics, everyone who’s ever come to a comedy show…THANK YOU. Cheers to the next 30 years.
Dwight Simmons is a stand-up comedian. That's about it.
